It is every year right around this time, August 21 to be exact, that I put up a veiled post on facebook, mention the Cady Kathleen, remind my friends how old she would be, and spend some time reading all of the cards and notes I saved from all those years ago. I suppose that doing this is therapy of some sort and is surely making me stronger, better, recovered etc, etc, etc..... But, I feel like part of me is just still trying to catch a glimpse of who I was before she died.
I have issues. Well, we ALL have issues but I will admit that mine can be overwhelming...for me and for my family. I can remember a time.....about 16-17 years ago, when I had no fear. I tried new things, I flew in a 2 seater plane, I traveled , I swam in the ocean, I got a tattoo, I loved hard.....I was ALIVE. During this time I met my husband , quickly and madly fell in love and was engaged 4 months later. Shortly after our wedding, our close friend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer at age 39. He died a few short months later leaving behind a young wife and 3 small children. It was in watching this horror story transpire that we made the decision to jump head first into parenthood. Life was precious and fragile and time was not meant to be wasted.
We were married on March 18 and I was pregnant by the end of the month. I was 24 years old.
I can remember anticipating our ultrasound with mad excitement. Were we having a girl or a boy? Would she have my nose or Chris's eyes? Long lanky limbs? Blonde hair or brown? We bought a crib, I pained our guest bedroom a soothing light blue color and found the perfect Moon and Stars bedding suitable for either a boy or a girl. I sat in there with my heart full of love for this little nugget that was nestled so snugly inside of my safe belly.
The ultrasound day arrived, just a routine, mid term ultrasound.....really though, for us, it was purely to find out if our nugget was a Little Chris or a Little E. My mom wanted to join us as this was her first grandchild, Im her oldest daughter and well, I just wanted her there to share in the excitement. I remember wearing a denim jumper... ( yes I wore a denim jumper, no comment). My mom had given it to me from her closet, she thought it would be the perfect maternity dress. It had one big pocket on the front. Yuck:). Anyways, moving on.... C and I both worked at Vanderbilt, so naturally my prenatal care would be done there on campus. The three of us waited patiently for my ultrasound. I remember drinking lots of water just to be sure we got the best view of baby Roman, I wanted to leave there knowing for sure if we were expecting a boy or a girl! It never crossed my mind that anything could be wrong.
Finally it was our turn. We piled into the little dark room, giddy with excitement. I hoped up on the table and got ready to see the baby. The sonographer came in and entered what seemed like a ridiculous amount of information into the computer,made idle chit chat, turned the monitor so I had a good view and then FINALLY readied the ultrasound probe and placed the warm jelly on my tummy. YAY! Here it was, my heart was racing I was beyond excited. I turned my head to the right to see the monitor. She moved the probe all around, up,down, side to side....often times putting quite a bit of pressure on my belly. She asked me how far along I was again. Then she turned the monitor away, I couldnt see the baby anymore. I asked if she could tell if we were having a boy or a girl. She said, " Um, yes, its a girl." But why did her voice change? Why did she turn the monitor away? What was happening? I asked Chris, he just shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. The sonographer then stood up and said that she needed to get the radiologist. That wasnt normal was it? I looked at my mom. I could see that her brow was furrowed and she looked confused.
When the sonographer returned, she turned off the ultraound machine and said I could get dressed. Why didnt I get one of those little black and white pictures for our baby book? What was happening! She said that my OB wanted to see us. So the 3 of us shuffled quietly across the street, me back in my denim jumper, Chris staring straight ahead and my mom holding my hand. When we arrived to check in, they immediately ushered us back to an open room. My chart was on the door along with a box of kleenex. Remember though that we still knew NOTHING. I looked at Chris and asked why there were kleenex on the door. Was something wrong with the baby? Did they make a mistake? This was not good and my heart sank. We waited now in a bright sterile exam room with a box of kleenex on the table between us.Was I supposed to be crying? What for? My OB finally peeked her head in and asked us to come to her office, so we could have some space. What the hell was going on?
She sat down and said something like, " Your ultrasound shows that there is something wrong with your baby." I kind of stopped listening after that. The room started spinning, I saw black, I stopped feeling for a moment. My initial thoughts were how was I going to care for a special needs child...(I still felt like a child myself, actually, at 24 I was).... what kind of quality of life would she have, what did I do wrong, why me? I then remember breaking out into violent sobs, unabashedly wailing with pure grief. Im sure that the entire office heard me and I really didnt care. My world had been rocked and I didnt even know what the diagnosis was. Chris didnt know what to do with me . After a few minutes and a few choked sobs of his own, he went into his default Doctor mode and asked our OB what was next. She said that I needed an amniocentesis to confirm what the u/s showed, and I still had no idea what that even was, i just knew it was bad. She suggested we go for coffee while she tried to get us in to see the high risk OB that afternoon for an amnio. Coffee?! I was pregnant, coffee was a no-no right? Why was she suggesting that? So off we shuffled down the street to Starbucks. We really had nothing to say. My phone rang about an hour later. It was our OB. She said that she got us an appt first thing the next morning. She told Chris that she called me in a prescription for xanax, to give me one when we got home so I could rest. I looked at him like he had 2 heads. I couldnt take xanax while I was pregnant. That would hurt the baby. Chris looked at me as said that clearly the side effects of the xanax on the baby were the least of our concerns. This was just getting worse by the minute. That was one of the longest nights of my life.
The next day I was the first appointment the the high risk clinic. Actually, I think the doc came in early and put me on the schedule first as a favor. I was scared. I was alone. Chris was a surgical resident and had to work. I remember seeing the huge needle, the blue colored fluid and thinking that this was not how it was supposed to be. The amnio hurt, a lot. But little baby girl loved the extra fluid that was now surrounding her. The doctor even said.....look at her swim!....she loves the water. Is she ok I asked, I didnt even hear what he said....I was too busy watching my baby swim. I went home and waited.
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