" Your baby has a condition that is not compatible with life" this is what they said......this is what I heard, "Your baby will die." Later I would find out that Cady had what is called tripoidy. (http://www.healthline.com/health/triploidy#Overview1 ). Essentially 2 sperm fertilized 1 egg so she had an entire extra set of chromosomes. Only about 1 percent of conceptions are triploid.....it just doesnt happen that often.
Triploidy is a lethal condition. Fetuses with the abnormality rarely survive to birth. Many are spontaneously miscarried during the first trimester or stillborn before reaching full-term. The few infants that do survive to term will have severe and multiple birth defects. These might include growth retardation, heart defects, and neural tube defects (Spina bifida). Infants born with Triploidy typically will not live more than a few days after delivery
I can remember my OB telling me that I had given her a safe place to live and she just didn't want to let go. That really didn't make me feel much better, but I didn't feel like such a failure knowing that my womb was doing its God Given job. The question now became, what do we do? Do we wait to deliver her when she is ready, perhaps 10-12 more weeks? Do we induce labor now? I just wanted someone to tell me what to do.
Triploidy cannot be treated or cured. Pregnancies that last until the baby is delivered are rare. In the event an infant does survive, doctors and healthcare providers usually provide palliative care. Medicinal and surgical treatments are not used due to the ultimate lethal nature of the condition.
Numbness had set in and I had become a different person. There was no joy, no love, no hope. We decided to call our priest, that would help, he would help. Long story short, my husband lost his faith that day. We were turned away, made to feel like we were doing something wrong, and told that the "church" would not condone or support an induction because it would be considered, in their eyes, as an abortion.(even though she could not, would not , survive ). When we asked if someone would at least come to baptize her when she was born, they denied....."you can just do it yourself" they said. The last place that I expected to feel rejection was at my church. We needed help, support , Christ-like unconditional love. What we got was......well, nothing.
Days of tears and sleepless nights followed. I wrestled with all of my inner demons, I'm bad, I'm flawed, I'm wrong. With a long history of depression, I started to slip into a very dark place. I wasnt even sure that my womb was safe anymore.
We made the decision to induce labor. I was sick, depressed and Cadys outcome would not be any different had we waited any longer. I checked into Labor and Delivery, I didn't get to pick out an outfit for Cady to go home in, she already had a closet full of clothes, but went into L and D with a small bag my mom packed. I didn't even care. This was a nightmare. The L and D staff met us with somber half smiles and well meaning pats on the back, no words exchanged, just a gown given and the lights dimmed. The rest of that day was a blur. I wanted my mom to be with us, I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with this and my husband would need support. The doctor on call arrived and began the induction. Over the next few hours, I remember specific events. I was on a sedative so my memory is a bit cloudy. I remember a nurse coming in and crying. She said that there was a couple down the hall having a healthy baby that they didn't want and she was having a hard time seeing us so devastated and so desperate for a healthy baby of our own. I recall the room staying dark. I know our friends Rob and Sarah came to see us and to cry with us. I kind of just wanted to die. Another nurse came to ask if we wanted Cady to be cremated. Oh God. How do you even make that decision. I think I blacked out. We did decide to have her hand and footprints done after birth but we requested no photos. I regret that decision almost everyday. As I began to dilate, my doctor gave us a grim warning. "Don't be surprised if Cady takes a breath or two immediately after delivery. Please don't mistake this for her trying to survive, she can not." Please God, don't let her take a breath. Please give us this one wish. Please.
I then remember getting up to use the restroom. Once I sat down, I felt tremendous pressure. I yelled and screamed for Chris. "Shes coming! Get me back to bed! I cant deliver her in here!" In the nick of time, I laid down, no time for the doctor to get there, she was coming and Chris was there. Somehow he managed to get gloves and a gown on...... he delivered our baby. She did not take a breath.
My OB arrived shortly after this and handed her to me. She looked like Chris. She was a tiny baby bird, eyes closed, she was beautiful. My mom baptized her. I remember asking her to do it again....just in case. We all held her, smiled and tried to take it all in. I don't know how long I held her, it never would have been long enough. Finally I had to let her go. I can not tell you how hard it was to hand her over to the nurse knowing that I would never see her again. The nurse, tears in her eyes, took my baby and left.
The next couple of weeks and months were a bit of a haze. I had to go back to work and I was asked almost everyday when I was due....I wanted to wear a sign around my neck that said "my baby died".
About 2 weeks after I returned to work I got a call during a case. I'm not sure who called, but they said that they had Cady's ashes and I could come pick them up when every I was ready.....pretty sure Id never be ready for that ......but it needed to be done.
I walked down to the lobby and met a very nice looking lady who handed me a brown heart shaped box. She gave me a hug and left. I literally sat down on the floor of the Trauma Center lobby , holding a box of ashes and I cried. I had to go back to work....what did I do with the box, our daughter? Did I put her in my locker? Did I bring her into the OR? What if someone threw her out after the case. There were no answers. I was certain, right around this time, that I would never be the same.
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