Boundaries?

I have been contemplating the huge concept of boundaries lately. This may be partially due to the fact that my dear, crazy, incredible husband is running the entire length of the Caminho de
Fe in Brazil (right at this moment). This will total about 353 miles and it has never been run before. So, yes, boundaries are relative at the Roman household. I have also been pondering what it is in us that makes us push the limits of our boundaries. This hugely complex question was made strikingly simple just the other day.

Several months ago, we had a lightning strike about 5 feet from our house. This is apparently pretty common in Fl, but until you witness this vast power of nature up close and personal, you cant really grasp the enormity of the power of our "Mother". Luckily for us, the lightening surged through our underground invisible dog fence, sparing our entire fuse box and untold amounts of monetary damage. We had a dilemma, do we have the fence repaired or take our chances? The dogs are conditioned to the fence. They have been trained to the boundaries of the perimeter of the yard. They "know" that if they push the boundary, they will get a little shock(horrible, I know). For the last 3 years they have been content with the boundaries that we gave them. We decided to not replace the fence (see $$$$$) and assume that the dogs are conditioned well enough to stay put.

Well, you can see where this is going. Our sweet, timid, rescue dog, Zora (ZZ for short), decided to defy her boundaries. Yep, as soon as Chris took off for Brazil, she decided that she would explore. What made her, after 3 years of confined happiness, decide to break through her barrier? Why now? What changed?

Here is what I got out of this whole crazy scenario.....We can easily go through life, content to accept the path and boundaries that we have been given. But how exciting can life be when we try to push the limit? If we are lucky, like ZZ, we decide to break though our boundaries and gallop down the 15th fairway with our long black ears flapping in the breeze, tongue lolling to the side of our mouths, without a care in the world. If we choose to accept our boundaries at face value, we may never feel this type of freedom. ZZ knew that she might get hurt as she tested her boundaries, but nevertheless, she did it. How inspiring, right?

If I can only translate this boundary pushing to my yoga practice. I tend to take the safe route in many postures, waiting until I can master something before I try it in a class full of my yogi peers. I am slowly toeing the line of my fear boundary. Headstand was my first milestone, now handstand has a vice grip on around my heart. I dont know why I have so much fear. When I instruct my own students, I can see when there is fear. I suppose that since I am now acknowledging my fear, I can begin to move through, but man!!!! the fear has me paralyzed. I feel like the ZZ that was content to lay on the driveway watching life go by instead of the ZZ that moved with reckless abandon to feel the wind in her fur.

The fence has been repaired, but Im confident that ZZ will push her limits many times over before she leaves this world. If Im lucky, I will follow suit.

Closer to Fine

Im trying to tell you something 'bout my life, maybe give me insight between black and white, and the best thing you've ever done for me, is to help me take my life less seriously, its only life after all. -indigo girls- closer to fine

Ive always loved this song, but after hearing the words again this morning, it was just fitting that I include it here. This blog is my journey....becoming closer to fine.

No, Im not cyanotic....this is the color polish my 5 year old picked out for me when we had our pedicures last week. This pedicure thing isnt really a regular happening in my house as I feel it a bit over the top for a 5 year old to get a pedicure, but Chris and Carson wanted to go see Tron and that just wasnt remotely on my list of things I would really like to do, I would actually rather eat my own eyeball, so off we went to Nails So Happy. Yes, this is the real name of the establishment. My nails are so happy and moreover, I dont have to keep my toes curled under as to avoid anyone looking at my obvious disregard for self care. With all the yoga Ive been doing, the self care of the feet is gonna have to be part of the weekly maintaince because, well, because its frankly embarrassing to look at.

Chris and I have laughed at this lineup of running shoes in my closet many times over the past several weeks. I call it my "wall of saddness"...he calls it my "wall of running shoe personality disorder". There is really no common theme here, just a few pairs of shoes for 3 very different runners, but somehow I own all three. Sadly, they sit alone, unused while I play yogi for the next 6 months. How is that going for you , you may ask....its an adjustment to say the least. I found myself single parenting over the weekend and realized that I couldnt go to a class for 2 days, no sitter, etc, etc. Getting back into the groove on Monday was a struggle. I think 2 days without yoga for me is too long. I did a "two a day" practice yesterday for the first time ever and boy did I feel it. I didnt intend to practice twice, it kinda just happened. Today, I hurt, all over....inside and out...physically for many reasons, internally for even more that I will keep to myself, because that is my story and Im good at that. That may be enough material for another blog entirely. Physically, my muscles are mad as hell! I have pushed them to the limits since Monday-DOING YOGA. If you think that this is an oxymoron, step in to any power vinyasa class and find yourself being led on a physical journey that pushes you to show up on your mat for yourself and show up outside of the studio for those around you. The biggest bodily complaint today is my left big toe (bunions, gout? ooh! more body issues to add to the big ole list on my chart) . I cant even begin to figure this one out...maybe another day. Mentally, this yoga experiment has forced me to dig deep inside of me. It is amazing to me that when I practice, it is a true and honest representation of my life off the mat. The way I practice on the mat is directly influenced by how I am living my life off the mat. My fears of failure crop up each time I lean back too far and find myself unsteady, my need to push shows up when I refuse to give in to a pose and begin to suffer, my need to control shows up when I start holding my breath when things get nasty. Its all there....on my simple black yoga mat....maybe this yoga experiment isnt just about maintaining the old me, maybe it is about creating the new me.

I am not 5 ft 7...ok?

This is me and my girls heading for the finish of my first triathon. I came in 3rd overall and felt amazing....It was such a huge accomplishment in my life.

Much like the triathlon finish, being able to come into headstand unsupported in the middle of the room was life changing. I had so much fear in my headstand journey. The wall was my crutch, my safety net. Im learning to let go of some fear, its very difficult for me. The coolest thing about this pose is that my head isnt on the floor at all, but rather hovering just above, using my upper arms to balance....powerful mentally and physically!

I got the pleasure of spending my morning with my favorite GP for my yearly physical. Just love this...get to watch the blank page fill with all of my many ailments and realize that If at 35 I can fill one page, how many will I fill at 60. The future looks bright people. So, I love my GP, however, his office is a tad antiquated and I dont put too much faith in some of the equipment that I see (ie, the EKG machine is the size of a refrigerator and takes 2 nurses to wheel it in the room, the exam table's foot rest doesnt work properly and I find myself continually sliding down, pushing myself back up..repeat.... and the scale is so rickety and old that it hangs to one side when you get on it). So, my height measured 5 ft 7.5 inches. Im fairly certain that this read may have been hampered by the fact that the measuring stick that was hanging onto the back of the scale (think 1950's version of the scale/measuring device combo) probably doesnt measure accurately...just a guess. And the fact that I was teetering on the uneven scale surface while the unpleasant nurse was trying desperately to unstick the corroded measuring device from the rotton crevice that it was stuck in. If I was 5 ft 8 like 6 months ago, then I am surely shriveling up and dying as I type this. It just isnt right. The PA looked at me and said, "Im 5 ft 8 and you are taller than me, strange." OK, Im justified, but I also have to consider that most of my GP's patients are more than likely just glad that they arent dead and the accuracy of one's height is probably low on the list of complaints. So, I measured myself at home and I am still 5 ft 8 and some change. Big relief...Im not shrinking or crazy. Just for the record, there is nothing wrong with being 5'7"...im just NOT and if I am then I have serious osteoporosis and that isnt good. Moving on...Im healthy, BP 110/80, liver panel looks good, yay me:), cholesterol is 180 and Im not 5'7". Ok..really..now I am moving on. Oh and BTW...UGG boots weigh 2 pounds.

My new yoga schedule has me feeling great, but figuring out how to practice everyday has me a little upside down. (refer to above image :). Side Note: Trying to get into this inversion in 10 seconds is tricky and is not advised...trust me on this! Im going to add a class this evening to make it 4 for the week. Chris is out of town this weekend, so I wont be able to practice outside of the home. Im still OK mentally without being able to train at the gym, Im just having to get a little creative with finding time and yoga classes that suit all of my needs.

I am also contemplating at great length why I still put up with my current alarm clock. The package read "wake up to soothing chimes". This sounded right up my ally...soothing chimes, drift effortlessly out of bed, etc, etc. Instead... this thing sounds like (bear with me here) an old tape in a tape recorder that is turning too slow (remember this sound?) The pitch is also so off that it sounds like the chimes are being played underwater or in the belly of a moose or other similar beast. Does this visual help? It also sound like this -bing, bing, bong bong- its horrible. The real question is why have I been using it for 2 years? Why dont I just buy a new one? This is the real issue here. Why?

Running Man and Its All Good!

Back on track! Today was a highly productive day considering the fact that my mini-me daughters slept in the bed with me last night. This has become an expected traditon when Chris is on call. This worked really well when they were 5 and 1, now that they are 5 and 9 and one grinds her teeth like there is no tomorrow, it is a challenge. I dont sleep...but, maybe Ill get parent of the year award. I taught my 9 am power flow class at Mindful Motion Yoga ...awesome energy in the room. I wanted SO badly to hop on a mat right next to my students and practice, but instead, at the end of class, I found myself being totally fulfilled in a BIG way, seeing my students play and take chances...it is priceless. I introduced Running Man to the class today. See image. Its an arm balance that I love, but rarely get to practice. I was in a 75 minute class at Big Fish Power Yoga and this pose was called....I was so happy...I know... its all relative. On days that I teach, I am often tired and rarely get to practice myself, but luckily, I found a 12 noon class to hop into and got in a power hour of my own before the I had to get to carpool. I am so very glad that I did this. I feel amazing. Just FYI, my weight is holding steady at "the number", despite all the sabotage that Ive been doing. After todays mid day class, Im at 2 classes practiced and 3 classes taught...uneven, yes, getting on back on track, yes. I have intention to practice Thurs, Friday and Saturday, making 5 classes for ME. Tonight, I cooked salmon, acorn squash and couscous....if you think that a five year old would never eat this? try it....mine did and asked for THIRDS!! I fully believe that you must introduce whole foods to kids...start the trend while they are young, it works. On a ridiclous note, we did the happy dance at the Roman house tonight because Chris had his big toe nail removed....OK, its SICK, but we are all so very thankful that we dont have to witness him pick and prod this poor appendage any longer. I was frankly getting tired of doing the toe nail remnant damage control every morning. If you dont know my husband, he is an ultrarunner and when I say that I dont mean that he runs a 50k here and there. He is the real deal, and he is heading to Brazil next week to tackle another huge race...353 miles ( Running the Caminho Da Fe). That leaves good ole e home alone with the chicken (my kids). Calgon...take me away? or perhaps something stronger? Would anyone like to adopt a crazy lady and her 2 semi crazy children for 10 days? no? really? Ok...so....I am also considering a 30 day yoga challenge, to practice 4 days a week in a studio, 2 days on my own...can i do this..I dont see much of a choice or my Rag and Bone skinny jeans that my dear sister sent to me from the warehouse will begin to dry rot on my shelf. My husband looks at them every time I wear them and shakes his head and says "Im glad Im not a woman, that is just painful"....actually, he's semi right. It is ridiculous. He gets to wear jeans that are several sizes too big for his skinny a@@ and and can feel good and comfy and stylish, while Im in my trendy jeans feeling...um...stuffed? Anywhoo, its fashion, i get it, I should like it, Im not dead YET. I did, enjoy my new lulu hoodie, didnt realize it had a bloody ponytail hole in the hood until today, interesting. So, until tomorrow...Im still a yogi and I am still sane....for now and my knee (BS) is happy and quiet.

Blood Draws and Blah!

So last April my doctor gave me an order for blood work....guess what I just did TODAY? Yep...blood work. Why does something that takes me 30 minutes cause my whole schedule to be thrown off? Maybe it was the fact that I had to fast prior to the draw and that = no morning coffee, no morning ritual of drinking morning coffee and no spending that precious 30 minutes by myself, waking up and sipping coffee....did I mention that I REALLY enjoy my morning cofffee? So, I had that going for me this morning. I should have siezed this opportunity and done what a real yogi would have done...break out into a beautiful sun salutation as I watched the sun rise over the golf course, but I didnt. Why? I dont have the answer. Maybe this will change about me during my yoga experiement. Why does yoga feel like it has to take place in a studio to be effective sometimes? This I will have to change as most studios dont have childcare and there are only so many hours in the day that there is a class that fits into my schedule while the kids are at school. Since I dont have a full time job, I kinda feel selfish if I do things for myself after the kids get home, I really should get it all during the school day. I did teach my class this morning, even though my arm was still intermittently leaking blood. I also decided to shower this morning .....perhaps further throwing off my day. When I shower in the morning my husband looks at me like Im crazy...like he is saying "what makes today different than yesterday? and are you going somewhere other than to yoga"? Sadly, I have been known to wear my pajamas to many locations around Jacksonville. But, just for the record, my husband wore his slippers out yesterday to pick up our daughter....could it be that my slobbishness is rubbing off on him or are we both crazy? Back to my experiment, I feel very out of shape. I did take a resting pulse today and was surprised that it was still 56 BPM....I feel so blah! The only thing I did toward my experiment today was head to my local lululemon athletica and let my girls there dress me for my experiment. Note: this is NOT part of the experiement and I really dont like to shop, but I had several gift cards to use here and figured now was the time. It was a good thing that I stopped in because I got to connect with fellow yogis and talk about great classes and new studios. All good information for me for future use, just not today on bloody blah day. I will also note that I am squishy...like in the belly and rear squishy, this was made STARTINGLY obvoious in the lulu dressing room mirrors...whose body IS this? Reality check...its not the lighting...this is what happens when you cant physically do what you know works and decide to take the whole month of freaking December off of fitness... I REALLY need to start doing lunges everytime I peel my squishy butt off the couch or spend each commercial break during my Real Housewives (see also: crack in TV form) doing crunches....but not this girl....not for 6 months. If I werent me, I would have taken my yoga core class today and got in a solid hour of core focused yoga, but I AM ME and ME needs to get a better plan here.

WHY?

I guess you could say that this experiment has been born out of sheer frustration. I am at my breaking point with my surgeon and this was evidenced by my unabashed crying jag in his office during my last visit. I dont cry in public...unless I am greatly moved by something. So here is a little background on me and my right knee,which I will further refer to as Black Swan or BS for short. Upon moving to Jax in April of 2007, I fell easily into an active lifestyle. I ran, alot and it was good. I lifted weights, did my 2 weekly power pump classes per week and did at least an hour of cardio 5 days a week. I decided to sign up for my first half-marathon...the Marine Corp Half in October of 2008 (i think). My BS was kinda giving me a little problem, so I did what any other runner I knew would do...I bought an IT band strap, because I sounded like an IT band issue when I plugged my info into google. (BTW...this is DUMB!!! Why do athletes try to self treat? Im learning that pain is real and you should LISTEN). Carrying on, I strapped my IT band thingy on pre race, and noticed that like 25% of the runners had one of these things on...I am so smart...see? I got to mile 7 painfully (mostly due to BS) and then just hobbled and skipped to mile 10 when I called my husband (had my phone because I heard a whisper that I may need it) and cried. He said can you walk? If so, try to finish. So I did. I had to keep my right leg straight and swing it pirate with a wooden leg style, around my body, but I finished. My BS has never been the same since. I took some time off, did the elliptical and spin to replace running. Tried running, was OK at the shorter distances when I decided Id buy a bike and shift my focus to the triathlon. I became a pretty good biker, swimming was natural to me, but that dang running...I entered my first triathlon and came in third overall...I was passed by a 18 yr old in the chute...isnt this against the running law of sportsmanship...not that Im bitter or anything. Maybe I had found my sport...or sports. I was hooked. I signed up for another race and trained hard. I LIKED training. I LIKED my training log. I LOVED watching the days tick off, making a big X over the square when I finished my swim, bike or run. The next sprint was COLD. Water temp was really too cold for the swim...it felt like some one very large sat on my chest and began to smack me over and over while I tried to swim fast. Then I thought that I had encountered a snake (my biggest fear) feeling it wrapping around my wrist (which was really my wet suit cord)...I screamed and took in a huge mouthful of water, gagged and looked longingly at the rescue canoe....i was done..or was I? I calmed down with a very quick rendition of Our Father, began my yoga breathing and finished. Then alas, BS showed up during the run. GREAT!!! Again, I backed off training, did more non impact, spin, swim, elliptical and decided to try running again on Mothers Day. I got 1 mile into my 5 k and just collapsed. Could not walk, could not BELIEVE it ...AGAIN...After an MRI, I saw an orthopaedic surgeon who quickly decided my BS had a meniscus injury that he would fix my BS and I would be running again in 6-8 weeks, then he whisked me off to the OR...well not quite, but you get the idea. This was June 7, 2010. I am still unable to run, cycle, spin with out debilitating pain on the lateral aspect of my BS. I have since had a follow up MRI, because I am obviously an anomaly that no one can figure out how to treat. My doctors last advice was "Well, do whatever doesnt cause you pain". Great....that is comforting. Im not giving up on trying to find a solution to my problem nor am I willing to settle with never running or cycling again. I will likely get a second opinion, but for now I have to decided that for the next 6 months, I will do yoga as my sole means of fitness. All yoga, any yoga, any studio, any style...Im your girl. It is the only thing I can do without pain. I am tracking my progress and my journey from gym to mat. Can I do it? Sure, why not?

The Beginning

Today was back to reality for me and the rest of my sleepy family. The kiddos were shuttled off to school and I dutifully packed my yogitoes, manduka and water bottle, to start my "yoga" experiment(see my post titled WHY? for the whole dang long drawn out story). Since this is an experiment in fitness (both mental and physical) I got on the blasted scale to record the number for future reference. I suppose it would be benefical to include that number here, but one step at a time people. If you know me , you know that Im horribly shy. It usaully comes of as snobbish and aloof, but alas, it is my own lack of self confidence that sends me to the back corner of every room, every conversation (unless I have some wine) and even to the back corner of every yoga studio. So, the number is written on a tiny scrap of paper neatly tucked away for me to post when Im ready....yeah right...it is SEARED in my brain, but i will tell my husband my number to keep it legit. I really am in the process of letting go of the number in my own life journey, but I kinda feel like at the end of this experiment, people will ask, "Did you gain weight?" So Id like to be able to say "Yes or No" with certainty. I am also going to do a little measuring of sorts to be recorded as well. I am researching how to measure physical fitness, I may consult my old trainer and have him do the testing on me so I can say that I had an impartial third party observer. I decided to start my experiment off with a little Baptiste power yoga this morning. It is a highly physical practice and the Benadryl that I took last night gave me a horrible antihistamine hang over , dry mouth, eyes crusted shut, not enough spit to seal my dads birthday card envelope, etc, etc. But i did get to sleep (until my 9 year old came in at midnight unable to sleep herself and then i yelled at her...I feel badly about that...bad mom, but I sooooooo wanted a good night sleep.) She forgave me after I made her a banana chocolate smoothie with my husbands Vitamix (ill talk more about this little number later). Anyhoo, you know those facebook posts that people write that say "so and so ran 320 miles at a 5:45 pace and felt GREAT"? Well, if I posted such things mine would have gone like this today "Erin did 75 minutes of Power Vinyasa Yoga and felt like SH!T"...yes profanity was needed here for emphasis and I tried a few other words but none fit the bill, so Im sorry.